some disturbing things
happen lately
I want to
check inwith you
Thursday could not have happened too soon for several reasons. George was going to see a counselor he had been seeing for a long time, but finished up with several years ago. Tim and Jack’s commitments had shifted slightly, so that they had arranged to help Stephen get to and from his meeting downtown, and all this in the same space as a big preparation meeting for a national assembly of ‘religious,’ people who lived in committed communities, mostly from the Episcopal Church USA (CORAL). Next year, Seattle would host the national meeting of representatives from (non-Catholic) religious communities. Tim had gotten placed on the planning team for this event through his contacts in the Spiritual Direction network. That afternoon and evening meeting was going to take place on Capitol Hill.
All this meant that Jack could pass his car to Tim, picking Stephen up along the way, so everyone could use a car after all. George passed his on to Jack for the afternoon work.
George’s morning is worth hearing about though.
After prayers, breakfast, the morning meeting, and dressing for the outside world, George left for Mercer Island by 9:30 am. His appointment was for 10 am, and he arrived at Susan’s office ten minutes early, having driven against the rush hour traffic.
“George, it’s been a long time,” said Susan. “What brings you over here at this time?” Dr. Susan Snelling’s long brown hair was beginning to streak with gray. She wore glasses and looked as though 20 years ago she was every bit the librarian who would let her hair down outside of work. She was distinguished and clearly in her fifties. George knew that Susan was at least seventy, had worked with several other protestant ministers and specialized in working with adults with child abuse circumstances in their background.
“Susan, I have had some disturbing things happen lately. I want to check in with you to see how I am doing, hearing what I am thinking about and my situation.”
“Sure, I can be in that role again. Maybe it would be helpful to tell me about what has been going on in your situation.”
“Did you hear about the murder over near Green Lake about a month ago?” asked George.
Susan nodded, allowing George to fill in the details about which he wanted to talk to her.
“First, that was a member of my congregation, of Green Lake Lutheran where I am one of the pastors. Second, it was supposed to be me walking the dogs that morning. Third, I (and some of the other brothers) think maybe there is someone trying to hurt us- the community as the motive for this murder.”
“Wow. George, that’s a big list. What can you tell me about what the police are saying?”
“It was the police who suggested that it might be me that the man targeting someone was trying to hurt, I mean murder,” said George.
“So which of the things you have mentioned do you want to talk about right now?” asked Susan.
George sighed and began, “You know, I guess I want to check with you on the perceptions that I have been having that otherwise seem paranoid to me.”
“What do you mean?” Susan asked.
“I mean just the other day I was out on a community errand and forgot something I needed at home and I remembered just a few minutes away from home, so I turned around and went back the same way I had come.”
“Yes...” said Susan, encouraging George to go on.
“And when I did the u-turn a blue Toyota was behind me and let me pass. I looked in my mirror a few minutes later and the blue Toyota was behind me again. I decided to test my anxiety, thinking maybe they just happened to need to do the same thing – turn around. I decided to go home another way – a little further on, not as convenient, but sometimes I have driven that way. Anyway, I slowed down and made the turn and the blue Toyota followed me to within three blocks of our house,” said George.
“Hmm, is there anything else?”
“Yes, well, two things. I have gotten two phone calls from a woman who seems to have seen and heard something about what at least one man had done. The first said there had been a car in the neighborhood watching me take the dogs out for walks on Tuesdays before the murder. The second call said we ought to be careful on the retreat we just returned from this past weekend and she had overheard someone saying he was going to get me and the community out of the congregation.”
“That sounds either like something to be concerned about or rubbish,” said Susan.
“Yes, I agree. But as I heard somewhere, ‘Usually paranoia is not caused by people wanting to hurt you, and sometimes it is, or something like that,” said George.
“You said there were two things that made you wonder about actually being followed,” said Susan.
“Yes. The second one is from the retreat this past weekend,” George began again. “We had scheduled ourselves some time to get away this fall, but weren’t going for another couple weeks or so. But with the news we got last week from the police, when they interviewed me, that perhaps I was in fact the target of the murder, we decided to get out of town to get our bearings and maybe some space from the situation. It was a good event, I suppose. Our time was interrupted by a plumbing problem at the place we had rented. We still got to study and pray and worship all together. Now it seems like too great a buildup for the next thing, but Sunday morning when we were packing up, the two tires on the right side of the rental van were flat – not ‘popped,’ but flat. Someone came out and pumped them up and then we drove home.”
“George,” Susan said quietly, “What do you think about all this now that you’ve spoken it out loud to someone outside the situation?”
“I… I think that there is something to be concerned about. I think I have been careful to measure my responses in almost every interaction around this. The reason I thought to call you the other day was that I had a twinge of some of the same feelings of anxiety I used to have around the feelings of being abused. I was standing in the kitchen finishing the dishwashing when I heard the news about the tires, and a few minutes later it hit me the impact that had on our schedule. I felt the edges of the abyss, and depression, and total loss of control that I used to feel.” George glimpsed them again as he spoke to Susan now.
“You are in another place now, George. You are in control of your life choices,” Susan repeated statements she and George had come up with to encourage him live into a wider sense of personal safe space long after the situation in which the abuse had happened had ceased to exist.
“Still in that new place, George, I would think you ought to make sure the police have all the information that you just told me. Perhaps they already have other information that this would add to and help clear up the question – whether or not you or the community ought to be concerned,” said Susan. In her head she chose not to mention that she was worried for them, especially her patient –and not because of his struggles with historic issues. “I hear you using good reasoning to check things out, not jumping to conclusions, and checking in with someone who knows about your past struggles. I’d say you are smart and a deep thinker, who has a serious faith which you are working out in your life choices. Unfortunately, right now, circumstances are giving you a challenge most people never have to face.
“Your mental health is just fine. I want you to do what you need to do to be safe in other areas of your life,” concluded Susan.
George drove away at the end of the session with the sense that he was first of all, not crazy. Second, he had reason to be anxious about his safety, he wasn’t exaggerating in his mind or reporting. Finally, he had determined that pursuing the police in this matter was a good course of action.
As he drove away, George did not see anyone following him in a blue Toyota.
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